X Factor -- Newark?

Brian Bradley -- Look, will everyone just stop looking at his mom? Seriously. Is his mom proud of that song? Did I like that song as much as Aisha by Another Bad Creation? No. Jump by Kriss Kross? No. So that makes it my third favorite little kid rap song of all time.

Milli Vanilli!!!And this guy can't sing either! They said yes? Simon is right as always, it was average.

Liliana Rose -- How does a girl that nerdy sing so well? Ask Katy.

OK--they just pulled an Idol and trotted out a mentally challenged person and tried to pass it off as entertainment. This is not cool.

Anytime someone uses an AKA and describes themself as constantly daydreaming while they're at work, they're going to suck. It was clear from the start. Mark it down--the professional name "Cashmere" is still available if anyone who wants to be famous wants to use it.

Uh oh, a girl named Cari singing Alone. Is she serious? Well, that was pretty good it turns out. But it was no Carrie Underwood. Of course how could you measure up to the single greatest amateur performance on live television in the history of man? You can't. Wasn't as good as the original either. So that makes it my third favorite version of that song ever. Maybe she and Brian Bradley can form a band and call it Third Best.

One word -- Ausem. I agree with LA that the boy seemed way better than the girl. And the spokesman from Just For Men could not handle that LA said that. I'm thinking of forming a group with NHL player Turner Stevenson and naming it TurnOn. Look for our album dropping soon.

Jor-El singing Madonna was probably one of the more interesting performances of the season, which tells you a bit about this show. Maybe his son Kal-El will do better.

Just For Men guy shows up again and sings Land of a Thousand Dances.

I liked the black Cat Stevens singing Lean on Me. Nice job.

Jazzlyn was a great way to end it. I'm not certain the first part wasn't a joke, but man she could sing. I may have to change my daughter's name to Jazzlyn to ensure she will become a star.

Looking forward to Boot Camp next week.

X Factor - Chicago

Well, I accidentally didn't tape the first half hour of the show. Turns out there was an episode of Go Diego Go that took precedence. Have no fear, the spectacled bear was rescued by Baby Jaguar and Alicia.

Cheryl Cole is back! America missed you! Just in time to see J. Mark do the robot all over the stage. His pants kind of look like he peed them. Well he picked a great song but I don't know if the guy can sing. Still he was more interesting than the entirety of the last show. They picked him! Awesome. This guy has absolutely no future. Of course, that's what they said about Travis, and look at him now.

The tension around the Josh Krajcik audition was unbearable. Would his mom be right? Is he awesome? Can he pull off that low cut V neck sweater? Because he's one ugly mofo. His dad must be a leper or a troll or an ogre or something. Turns out he sounds just like another ugly mofo--Michael Bolton! Maybe he'll sing the Captain Jack Sparrow song next time!

Now on to Seattle (again?) The editing of this show is terrible. Hairstyles change minute to minute, judges switch.

Whoa! Heart is looking old! Oh they're mom and daughter, not sisters. Whew. Darwin? Darwin? Who names their daughter Darwin? I guess Bohr, Oppenheimer, and Heisenberg were taken (nerdy science joke alert).

Why do all people under 16 love Bieber? He can't sing! I mean seriously, lots of teen hearthrobs have come and gone and maybe there were all bubblegum, but at least they had talent. Bieber is nothing more than a smile. But what a dreamy smile...what was I saying? Anyway, if my daughter is like this girl when she's 14, I'm going to have a rough time being a dad. Which is surprising to you I'm sure, given how emotionally available and sympathetic I am. This girl just blew Biebs out of the water. Of course, so did Darwin and her 70 year old mom.

4Shore -- let's be honest, this song carried them. They were fine, but they're not Boyz II Men. I would think that any competant group of guys could sing that song and it would sound good. But not great, like Kwani and Sean and the guy with glasses and the guy with the cane. I think these guys got just a bit too much love from the judges. Maybe they'll surprise me later with some Jodeci or Color Me Badd.

Grandma Elaine just wiped the floor with 4Shore. Sign her up!

Tiger Budbill--gotta love guys who refuse to acknowledge that they're bald so they wear hats. Mike Love of the Beach Boys played that card for decades. Wait a minute--he's not bald, he just wears stupid hats!

Speaking of stupid hats, Phillip Lomax the hipster is next. I hate him already. Is he wearing Dr. Zaius' coat from the original Planet of the Apes? He did a good job if his goal is to be in a revue of swing music. Ladies love him though. That's all you need in today's music world. If you look like Tom Petty or Joe Cocker now, you don't stand a chance. You have to look like this d-bag and sing so-so and you're a millionaire.

Tiah--Simon likes her? Maybe it was the song but I thought she was all over the place and it seemed like the song was the same tune over and over again. I like how Paula gives singing lessons, she's a real expert in singing isn't she? I love how the female judges hate all girls who look cute at all. However, they are right in this case. She sang another song, and it still sounded weird. Why did they focus so much on her at the end? I don't get this show.

Tune in tomorrow for more pointless auditions.

Sing Off Day 2 - Two Snaps in a Z Formation

Dartmouth Aires -- What a great song choice. Higher Ground has so much going on instrumentally, it's perfect for an a capella song. These guys were awesome. My favorite was the one dressed like David Alan Grier's character on In Living Color in the Men on Film Sketch. Hated It!

Pentatonix - ET   I have never heard this song. It wasn't exactly a memorable one. Neither Jen nor I liked the girl's voice at all. Poor song choice will do you in!

Sonos - Wicked Game.  No, no, no, no. You just can't speed up that song, it's not allowed. Probably one of the best vocals of all time, somewhere short of One More Try by George Michael, but not that far behind. Very few songs actually make me feel emotions (very few things make me feel emotions, let's be honest) but that one you can just feel Chris Isaak's pain. And then Sonos goes and speeds it up. I award them no points, and may God have mercy on their souls.

Messiah's Men - People Get Ready   What a great choice. These guys aren't classically trained or anything like that, but I thought it was really good. Nice story too, coming from Liberia. How did the entire singing group get to America together?

Results -- Sonos made it through? What? Sara Bareilles should recuse herself, I smell a rat. Oh well.

Last year's champ Committed comes in, sings for 30 seconds, and blows everyone else in this competition away.

The Collective -- Rolling in the Deep   I hate that girl's voice. Hate it. I guess it started off ok, but it just didn't work, and it didn't seem like a team effort, it felt more like her with a backup group. I did like backup singer Soleil Moon Frye (Punky Brewster) though.

Soul'd Out -- Hey, they're just kids. Just like Ben Folds, I loved the Aquarius part, and the Let the Sunshine In part was terrible. Still, they were better than the Collective.

North Shore - Runaround Sue   Well, old men, that's how you do it. First off, gotta love the heavy Baaaahhstan accent. Wicked awesome. Go Red Sawks. Loved this version, especially the old bass guy with the nicotine stained mustache.

Deltones -- Feels Like Home   Whoa, that was pretty, pretty, pretty good if I may quote Larry David. I'm still scratching my head as to what that sounds like with Randy Neuman singing it. Probably my favorite out of this group of 4.

Results -- Goodbye, little kids. Nice touch singing Ozzy on an a capella show though.

This show is better than the X Factor so far, which is scary. What did you think?

X Factor Day 2, Dallas Hour

God, let's hope this hour is better than the last.

30 minutes in and I have nothing to say. These people aren't interesting.

Alright, I like Dexter. Love the jean jacket. Fun singing. That was before he even sang "This Is A Man's World". Nice work Dexter! Now go buy some men's shoes and we'll see you in the next round. Wait a minute...where'd he get a cell phone? Is he full of crap?

The Rugby Chick made a great choice to sing a slowed down version of a famous song. I was watching the CW a couple of weeks ago (I know, that's weird. It was Ringer, that new Sarah Michelle Gellar show. It's not like I have every Kelly Clarkson album or anything, Jason C) and there was a slow cover of 25 or 6 to 4 by Chicago that was sung by a girl and it was really strong. I think that's a great choice. I worry that she'll show up for the next round all bruised and swollen from rugby.

Xander! Erase the A-L-E!  Clearly the most interesting part of the show.

I'm thinking that I need to ease off on blogging during the auditions. It's got to get better right?? Right??

X Factor Day 2 - Cheryl Cole, We Hardly Knew Ye

This first girl is on crack. Maybe she has the same dealer as Paula. Wow she is a terrible singer.

Dream Girlz--Cousin Eddie was hilarious, defending these terrible singers as if they had talent. First segment tonight was pretty lame when I'm commenting on that. Let's pick up the pace, X Factor.

GLORIA ESTEFAN!! That's how we spice things up! Come on shake your body baby do the conga! Wait, where'd you go?

These manufactured dramatic moments are tiring...so the talent has been bad, it's not like they're going to wrap up the show. Maybe Vanilla Ice can save them. Well, if they were remaking Grease with members of Depeche Mode in the lead roles, this guy would totally be Danny. Was his mom trying to hug him through the TV screen? Creepy. Congratulations Robert Van Winkle, you are the first person to make it through. (Will somebody please explain who Depeche Mode and Robert Van Winkle are to Katy? Thanks).

This ghost thing is ridiculous. Why are they doing all this crap? Don't they want people to watch? Worst of all, you can't even make fun of it, it's just lame. How will I get people to read this blog if I'm not given the opportunity to be funny. By using terms like Jessica Alba and Barack Obama and Simon Cowell, that's how.

Hey, there's Jesus!! He's sure to win right? I never would have thought Jesus like jazz songs. Maybe it's really Kenny Loggins. I don't think the judges are allowed to say no to Jesus. See you in the next round.

We've got a Ricky from My So Called Life sighting! And he says he's a soprano. Wait, no he's not, he's a liar. Where's Jordan Catalano when you need him?

Whoa, that chick who sang Listen by Beyonce was unbelievable. Almost made me forget about wasting the entirety of the first hour watching this crap.

I'm ending this now out of sheer disappointment. I'll review Dallas tomorrow night.

The X Factor - First Episode

I'm just writing things as they happen, it may seem choppy but here we go.

This host's voice is really annoying. And not because he's British, it's just annoying.

That first little girl was adorable, how cute was she! She was better than anyone on Idol for the last 3 years. Somebody give her a new bathroom!

Siamese? He's like a cross between Terence Trent Darby and Prince and the Lord of the Dance. Prompted Jen to say "Oh my God, you've got to see his crotch". Were those girl jeans? Awesome! No one could have tried harder than he just did.

Dan and Vinita -  153 years of awesome. True love is blind and tonedeaf.

 Seattle Gio--Sweet outfit...what is that? Velvet? He had underwear on right? Unstuck could be this year's Pants on the Ground.

Marcus singing Stevie was outstanding. Best part is we don't have to listen to Randy Jackson talking about people trying to sing Stevie. He deserved that ovation, he was awesome. Loved him.

The Answer: what's the question? What do three poseurs look like nowadays? Red glasses, vests and bowties, knit caps and skinny jeans, seriously? I wasn't that impressed. I guess they were good, but whatever.

Young Homie-a nice way to end it. That song could be a hit today.

Generally, this show is interesting, it's a lot like Idol but will end up being different I'm sure as we progress. If you didn't like it, I think we need to give it time to see if it works. Worst case, some washed up star talks about singing the phone book in a few months.

SingOff Episode 1 - A Super Tight Package

Isn't a cappela music fun? We had a group at Truman St. called the True Men, and they were awesome. They did a version of Gangsta's Paradise all about the town our school was located in ("Kirksville Paradise") and also a song about how girls are insane. Anyway, they inspired me to illegally download a tremendous amount of college a cappela group songs, my favorites are the medleys because it shows how creative these groups can be. Let's see if the SingOff contestants are creative, or if they just pick some current song I've never heard and sing it with beat boxing.

Yellow Jackets - Wavin Flag.  They wore yellow jackets, which was a shocker. As we were watching it, we kept waiting for someone to hold up little baby Simba, but it never happened. Pass.

Fannin Family - Perfect.   Nice story but they just weren't good enough. Jen thought they all looked like they were within 3 years of each other in age, not sure how Ma and Pa Fannin pulled that off.

Afro Blue - Put Your Records On   I loved the lead's low voice, but didn't like the high parts at all. However, they were wayyy better than the first two. Early favorites.

Delilah -- Grenade   Wow, now that's how you do it. No way anyone can do better than that. Loved the '80s lead singer. I don't think it was healthy for those Mormon boys to see these girls perform.

Result: They sent the Fannins home, which is only fair. See ya, creepy small town family.

Cats Pajamas -- Some Kind of Wonderful   We both really like Sara Bareilles, she's funny and has insightful things to say, as opposed to last year's judge, Nichole Scherzinger (who is now on the X Factor). She mostly just said sultry things. Anyway, these guys did have a super tight package as Sara observed, but it was too happy for my tastes. I think that's what the judges were trying to say. Grand Funk sings that way more bluesy and it works. Gotta love the Branson angle though, maybe they know Yakov Smirnov! In Russia, you don't sing a cappela, a cappela sings you!

Urban Method -- Love the Way You Lie   I'm sorry, neither one of us enjoyed the rap angle. I just watched a Youtube clip of Jimmy Fallon and Justin Timberlake doing a history of rap medley, and that was awesome. I just didn't like this, I'm more old school I guess. Maybe if they performed the Humpty Dance I would like it more.

Kinfolk 9 - Secrets   First off, if you live with your family in a garage, it's time to give up your dream of being a musician. Secondly, you shouldn't be able to afford that haircut. Jen thought he reminded her of Laurie Metcalfe, the aunt from Roseanne, which I thought was hilarious.

Vocal Point - Jump Jive and Wail    I really liked the lead singer's voice. I also liked how we learned more about the Mormon religion, specifically that group dates are ok (they're just asking for polygamy jokes aren't they? Well I'm not falling for it) and that you can't even say "can of ale", which is what Papa was actually in the icebox looking for. Rather you must say ginger ale, because not only can you not consume alcohol, you also cannot speak its name. Kind of like Lord Voldemort. Good job generally though.

Result: Cat's Pajamas goes home to throngs of old folks listening to boring oldies. Makes sense to me.

Three Shows, Three Opinions

This fall, the Sing-Off and the X Factor will be on the tube, and of course American Idol's tired act will come back in the spring. I'm going to try to comment on all three via this blog.

Why a blog? Well, I tried Facebook and thought it was stupid because I don't care about every little detail about people I barely know anyway. This way, in theory, the discussion should only be around these shows, the singers, and the songs.

Why do I think anyone cares about my opinions? I don't know if they do, but in my experience, I'm always right about assessing musical talent, so why not share this gift with the world?

Will I be completely honest? Probably, although I might play up certain characteristics of people just to have something to say--a lot of these contestants are boring so you've got to dress it up somehow. Don't take anything too personally or literally.

This experiment may not last, and I may not watch every show the same night it's on, but we'll give it a go. Maybe someday I'll get that call from one of these shows that they love my blog and want me to be a judge. Me, Stephen Tyler, and Randy Jackson, seems like it would work. Although my hair is not versatile enough to have a different hairdo every week. Also I don't think TV people like acne scars. So two strikes against me.

Please, share your comments and opinions and let me know when you agree and when you disagree, so that I can tell you that your opinion is wrong.